March Thoughts (a little overdue)

Here are some photos from the month of March I took that I am proud to say are mine.

I think it would be appropriate to deem the month of March (and spilling over into April) as a month of disorganized thought for me. Not only did I slack (HARD) on my 365 project, I admittedly lost some interest. I attribute this to two things: fear and lack of motivation.

  

I have stepped out of my comfort zone A LOT in the past year, but I am still afraid to keep going and to get out and get what I want. I have this constant fear of inconveniencing people, or making them feel uncomfortable behind my lens, but I know I will never make anything I am really proud of until I get over that feeling and go for it. Going for it is glorified every day, but that doesn't make it any easier (neither is spilling my deep philosophical thoughts on the interwebs but here I am doing it anyway). If I feel shy about whipping out my camera around the people I love the most, how am I going to do it well in any other situation? I cannot express how lucky I am to have people in my life that allow me to do so, and to feel great doing it, and encourage me to keep going. Every person in these photos is one of those people, simply by letting me be there with them.

 

All of this goes hand in hand with my loss of motivation, which tends

to happen more than I am proud of. I am not really sure why my motivation is so easily lost on something that I enjoy so much. I've never had to deal with losing creativity so fast when I need it so often. I am a disciplined person, but it's hard for me to keep goals when the only person judging me and holding me responsible is myself. I'm not going to be happy with my life unless I make something I love of it, so I'm not sure why I'm holding back on all the hard work it will take to get there. I have a feeling that it's mostly the f-word I mentioned above.

When it comes down to it... I don't really know anything. Including what I want... and I don't know how to find it. I may just have to wait. I hate waiting.

“A critically important step in understanding our own desires and tastes is to realize is that we cannot always explain what we want deep down.” -- Malcolm Gladwell

On second thought, I need to quit waiting and start doing. I waited for 4 years of university only to find that what I think I want deep down, wasn't what I earned a degree for. I kept trying to convince myself I could be sufficiently happy doing something I mostly enjoyed, but never actually loved. Naively, I thought it was too late. Now I feel like it should never be too late, even if it feels like it. 
(Fun fact: I edited this blog post multiple times trying to change the font size of this sentence to match the rest of the blog... it wouldn't let me. Maybe the universe is trying to make a point?)

 If I just sit and wait, I'm not going anywhere, I'm just sitting, hoping that what I want will come to me. That isn't realistic, though I wish it were. I'm excited for this upcoming year to give me a better idea of what I am creatively worth, if anything at all. I'm going to try to stop my crippling doubts from getting to me and I think that will be the biggest challenge I face.

On the subject of doing... I need to make a list of demands for myself. I hear this rumor that if you write down the things you want you are more likely to achieve them, so maybe I should give it a try.

To start on a lighter note, here's the things I have accomplished so far that I didn't think I would.

1. Had my work published for the first time.

2.Asked by 3 different strangers on 3 different occasions if they could use my photos (apparently I look like I know what I am doing)

3. Started this blog

4. Found some kind of courage to share my artwork.

5. Did some self portraits (they're fun!)

I was really upset about lingering winter this day.

6. Got an official job as a photographer.

7. Raised approx. $1000 for Movember (This is barely related to my photography, but still provides a basis for my hope that one day I can actually do what I set out to do.... or better)

8. Got offered money for my photos

9. Was told by those around me, with no volition other than their own thoughts and opinions, who wasn't my mom, or my family, or my friends, that my photos are great. 

 

Someone lost their keys, I hope they found them.

"Hippies use back door"

Some of these accomplishments seem really small, but when you're trying to be honest with yourself about where you want to go, they seem bigger.

Now for my working list of goals I would like to achieve, ranging from the near near future, to a long time from now, in no particular order...

 1. Teach myself and master a new skill every week.


 

Door to love?

 2. Create a brand and business (Yowza). 

 3. Shoot a Wedding

4. Capture a moment that will mean a LOT to someone (this is a goal that time again will be set and achieved... I hope).

5. Banish my embarrassment about going about getting what I really want and coming by it honestly (this goes for many facets of my life, not just this one. It's the scariest one)

6. Create a really good looking website

7. Write more.

  8. Get paid to travel the world and take photos of extravagant tree houses. (This long term goal might seem kind of ridiculous, but it appeals to the child in me that I hope to never lose)

 

Fin.